Subdivisions / HOA’s

1. Pets – If your neighbor leaves their garage door up only 8 to 12 inches, its sole function is to serve as a pet door, most likely a cat.
This facilitates a cats’ desire to roam wherever their nose leads them. Their travel habits to satisfy their curiosity will lead them to your back yard to drive your properly confined dogs into barking frenzies, all over your newly washed vehicles, into any trash they can so keenly sniff out and into your garage if you are foolish enough to ever leave it open.
There’s an old saying about curiosity killing cats but I don’t feel it’s effective enough on its own, so help out where you can, okay?
 


2. Rocks in the front yard - No matter where I've lived, this has always pissed me off. With a finely manicured lawn that has been edged and trimmed better than some golf courses, I've always been very proud of my patch of green. Most neighbors envied me.
I found that a good quality mulching mower is the biggest factor for such success, and it saves disposal of clippings.
As a consequence, these mowers are designed to vacuum up the grass and lift it as much as possible to cut cleanly and mulch.
If there's a rock in the grass, a mulching mower will find it for damned sure, putting a nice ding in the blade about a hundred times.
Yeah, the rock can't come out because there's no chute for an escape.
(If it did escape, it would surely break a window out of my truck or my house - if not my neighbors.)

Why?
If I live on a paved dead-end road and there are no rocks anywhere near my place, are they metorites or something?
Where do they come from?

When I moved to Arizona I found that it's the norm for ALL front yards to be covered 100% with decorative rock.
Not my preference, but yard maintenance is now limited to a few bushes and cactus.
Now the rocks wind up on my driveway, or in the road.
No kids play in my front yard. I rarely walk in my front yard except to pick up wind-blown trash. Who does this?
Now I'm out front kicking rocks out of the road and back into my yard like some fruity old man....



3. Flyers and advertisements left on the front door - At my house, I rarely enter my home through the front door.
All of our vehicles are parked in my generously-sized garage, so that is our normal ingress/egress route unless company calls.
I've had packages sit unnoticed on my porch for a week until a neighbor rang my doorbell to tell me.

Due to the lack of traffic at my front door, I would have all sorts of paper hanging out of it or from the door handle.
I got tired of all this crap littering my front entryway and blowing into my rocks, so I bought a small discreet "NO SOLICITING" sign and stuck on the security storm door in plain view of anybody on my walk.
I noticed however, that some people feel they are exempt from such polite requests.

Okay, there's a very nice little old lady who leaves flyers from her church with brief scriptural references on them.
That's not solicitiation in the most capitalistic sense, and it's hard to be mean to her so I'll read them before throwing them away.
But how does the pizza guy who doesn't even deliver this far out of town decide to advertise in this fashion when requested not to?
I get a dazzling array of solicitations, with some examples being the aforementioned church stuff and others like;

Landscaping flyers (I got rock already)
Lawn care flyers (I have no grass)
Security system ads (got one already, see the sign?)
Mortgage offers (I already live here....)
Home refinance offers (like a finance company would be chosen from a flyer?)
Steam cleaning my driveway (It's CLEAN!)
Tree- trimming (Do they see any trees?)
Automotive detailing (They stay indoors)
Handyman/repair services (Does my home look like it needs repair?)
Maid service (I'm married)
Roofing (A three year old house?)
Plumbing (Oh, just so happens my sink is clogged....)
Insulation (I have plenty already, thanks)
Pet-sitting (Listen - that's my dogs barking and they want you to leave)
Fences (Didn't notice that block wall surrounding my property?)
Energy saving devices of dubious merit available for a new "special" price ( I work in the electric power world)
and even home theater systems installed for "free" if I buy from them.

There's more, that's all I can think of off-hand - all with a clearly legible sign on the door stating my desire for NO SOLICITING.


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People Driving Rental Cars, U-Hauls, etc.

Stay away from these people on the road, they will get you killed.
When you see a sticker on the trunk of a rental car, you can bet one of several scenarios have played out already.

1. The people in that car are not from around here, and have no clue where the hell they're going.
They will be trying to read the worthless map you get from the rental counter, talking on a cell phone trying to get directions or make connections, trying to find the switches to operate stuff inside the car, and likely eating fast food.
All the while, they will be on the lookout for their next turn, and will dart across your lane to make it.

2. The people in the car ARE from around here, but they've destroyed their own car somehow.
Either they've wrecked their ride and our insurance dollars are paying for their wheels, or they have a blown motor/transmission.
Doesn't matter, they are in a strange car trying to figure out how to use the A/C or the neato in-dash GPS.


People in Uhaul or other rental trucks are in the same boat as the people above, lost as a goose in a hail storm.
Only now they're in a vehicle bigger than anything they've ever driven and will be unable to use the mirrors to boot.
All the driving habits and lack of skill they already barely survive with will be magnified 10 times over.

These are the people who tear down awnings in bank and fast food drive-throughs because they "forgot" it's a tall vehicle.
They will also run over every curb they can find to ensure their belongings packed inside are broken into a million pieces.

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The Automotive World

1. Parking spaces should be 10’ wide and 20’ long. At least 30’ between rows is the norm to allow enough room to back out of a parking space in one try without hitting cars in the row behind you. If you still get bumped or door dinged, you should be able to retaliate.
The only way these inconsiderate morons and their children will learn is if we're allowed to set the offending car afire.

2. Freeway lanes that end for no reason just before or after ramps.
Lanes should never END. Simply route them down an exit.
Give ‘em someplace to go and maybe they won’t slam on their brakes and dive in front of an 18 wheeler to stay out of the bridge railing.
Witness the skid marks all the freeways. And scarred railing.

3. When traffic lanes from one freeway join another freeway, do not merge ANY lanes together right at the ramp.
Again, look at all the skid marks and backed up traffic everywhere they do this.
Suppose Highway “A” has 3 lanes of traffic and 2 lanes from Highway “B” join up. Do the math.
You now need FIVE lanes to handle the flow.
Every moron now has time to shuffle into his lane of choice without causing an explosion of horns, lights and middle fingers.
If you want to narrow the road to 4 lanes, end one by making it “exit only” at the NEXT EXIT.

4. Speed limit changes should be marked better. Stripes across the road to attract attention would be a good start. 
Multi-lane divided roads should have signs on BOTH sides of the road.

5. Post signs and enforce keep right except to pass, regardless of speed.
If somebody passes you on your right, you’re in the wrong damned lane. I don't care how fast you were going.

6. This brings me to a particular breed - Left Lane squatters.
Even if you have California plates, the left lane does not belong to you. MOVE!

7. Photo radar and red light cameras. When you bravely mailed out that citation, did you know the drunk in the photo you took two
months ago ran the next red light and killed my family?
Only an officer on the street in actual contact with the citizenry can find out if the person he just stopped is a wanted felon, drunk, illegal alien, unlicensed, etc. Call it what it is, a cash register for random taxation. No effect on safety at all.

8. Cops write you a ticket, and then tell you to have a nice day. Sadistic bastards. File a complaint with their Sergeant.
 
9. Cops speed everywhere they go. Isn’t that unsafe/illegal/stupid? Hmmm.
See it all the time, a Highway Patrolman speed past me on I-10 only to bail off into one of their ambush spots.

10. Trucks, trailers of any kind in left lane. If you need to pass, do it and move over.

11. High beams, fog lights used around ANY other traffic.
Yeah, you’re SO COOL - like Mr. Magoo. If you really can’t see on low beam, pull safely off the road until daylight.

12. High beams in neighborhoods, around homes while driving 20 MPH.
Please illuminate the interior of my house for me and burn my eyes out when I have the nerve to walk on my own sidewalk under
the cover of darkness.

13. Using 4 way flashers when driving in rain. We KNOW you’re driving slow!

14. NOT using 4 way flashers when stopped on the roadside in the rain because your wiper blades are petrified and you can’t see
anything thru the newly scratched glass. Certain death awaits you when your mental twin comes blindly down the road.

15. Headlights out of adjustment, blinding everybody even on low beam.
Did you ever wonder why everybody flashes their brights at you? Glad to see you, maybe? If you can’t fix them, I will - with a hammer.

16. If you have a low beam burned out, replace it NOW instead of posing as a motorcycle in the dark for six months.
Or just use your hi beams everywhere you go. Three lights are better than one, right? Other driver's vision doesn't matter, eh?

17. Consistent speed on highways. Decide how fast you’re comfortable driving and DO IT!
I know it’s really hi tech, but consider using cruise control. You will actually save a small amount of fuel with constant throttle settings.

18. 4-way stops, who goes when. Here’s how I do it; I come to a complete stop. If nobody is moving, I go.
You can continue the Mexican stand-off after I’m gone. It’s nice to be polite, but if it’s your turn don’t wave others thru. JUST GO!!!

19. Left turn traffic signals. You gotta love sitting at a red left turn light after the intersection is clear and no one is coming for miles.
But you can’t turn because your light is red and there's sure to be a camera watching you.
People too stupid to gauge traffic caused too many wrecks and now we all have to take a nap waiting to legally turn.
Could these lights possibly be flashing yellow for caution, allowing those of us brave enough to turn when all is clear?

20. Littering, including cigarette butts. You cannot possibly give a legitimate reason to EVER throw ANYTHING out of your car, especially if a wildfire is the result. This includes paper, trash or beer cans that blow “unnoticed” out of the bed of your pickup truck.
Yes, it was yours. Get a Hefty bag and get busy.

21. Lost cargo. From a box of nails out of a pickup, to a suitcase off the roof rack of a mini van, to a lost load from an 18-wheeler.
I don’t care if you had to swerve around the blind nun walking the orphaned Chihuahua, you are responsible for what you transport, plus any damage done to any vehicles or property.
Your cargo carrying career should now limited to what you can carry in a backpack.
Keep your shoes tied so you don’t trip and screw that up as well.

22. The earthquake guys. You know, the guys with stereo systems in their cars that register on the Richter Scale?
I’m convinced that, as long as I stay on the beat, I could fill their car with bullet holes and they would never suspect a thing.
When they get out of their “pimpin’ ride” at the next cool scene, let ‘em figure it out then.
This will touch a lot of nerves, but the same goes for loud or open exhaust on ANY Redneck pickup, Homie Honda Civic, or motorcycle.
( Harleys too, macho man.)
You soooo crave attention and then wonder why the police pick on you.
I know a thing or two about this, I’ve been guilty myself.

23. Wanna do something really crazy? Next time you’re hauling gasoline, explosives or anything else REALLY hazardous, at some random point in your travel, come to a complete stop in the highway regardless of what is behind you. Then proceed.
This is mandated by federal law when you come to any railroad tracks. Safe, huh?
Oh, and if you’re driving a school bus with all those precious children aboard, you must stop, open the door, and actually listen for a train.
I guess the open door is intended to serve as the kids’ escape route when they get rear-ended by an 80,000 pound truck?

24. Next time you’re waiting at a busy intersection with cross traffic that does not stop, see if this happens.
A large enough gap in traffic appears to be imminent and you may be able to go.
You wait for that last car coming from your left… he’s slowing down.
Is he going to turn? If he turns right, you could go now. There’s no signal from him and you don't want to cut him off or be impolite.
He’s still moving fast enough that you won’t risk pulling out in front of him… Yep, he nails the brakes and turns right before you – clueless. You can’t go now because other cars have now closed your window of opportunity. Be sure to smile and wave.

25. Why is a wreck called an “accident”? Wrecks are caused by inattentive driving.
An accident is what your toddler has while potty training.
One amusing politically correct term for accident is I.C.B.V., or Incidental Contact Between Vehicles.
Speed is always the major “cause” of “accidents” right?
Well, if you suddenly cannot avoid hitting something, then of course you’re going too fast, be it 10 or 150 MPH.
Sure, speed is a factor when things go wrong, but is rarely THE cause unless you’re driving recklessly, which is entirely another matter regardless of ANY speed.
It’s simple, wrecks are caused when your head is in your butt. End of story.


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Daylight Savings Time

Why does this idiocy continue?
All the Uniform Time Act of 1966 did was reawaken an old beast from a two-decade slumber.

During World War 1, the US was on Daylight Saving Time in 1918-1919.
I world War Two it was reinstated, sometimes known as War Time, and was in effect without change through 1945.
There was no switching back and forth, we simply stayed on it year-round.

I was reading somewhere that Russia has a two hour jump ahead in the summer.

My point is that we need to "Spring forward" and stay there like we did in WW II.
The Arab oil embargo of 1973 triggered it most recently, and it has been continually messed with ever since.
The length of DST keeps increasing anyway, so why not just do it and get it over with?
We can all utilize the "extra" hour of sunlight in the evening and remain more energy efficient while saving lives in traffic.

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Still to come…

The decline of our civilization when men started getting ear rings and women started getting tattoos.

Consequence-free society

Bibles in our prisons, but not our schools

Pro sports salaries

High profile / big money divorces

Bi-lingual ATMs / pressing “1” for English